I don’t know about you, but I know this isn’t how my story was supposed to end. I’d like to think it’s the writer in me that keeps that big, sloppy heart perched on my sleeve, but I’m still not sure that is truly the reason why I’ve ended up in this place. Blame it on the author? Sure, I can dig it.
On my 37th birthday, I had it all. A loving spouse, a beautiful daughter, a big house on a hill. Now as I sit here on the eve of my 42nd birthday, I’m looking back and reflecting on it all and wondering just what the heck I have learned as I sit here in 40-something singlesville.
- Disappointment? CHECK
- Heatbreak? CHECK
- Grief? CHECK
I think we all grow up with some sort of vision of how perfect our future will be. Some days I wonder if Disney princess moves shouldn’t be banned, because fuck if there is any happily ever after fantasy out there. I mean, really, can we talk about dating at this age for a second? The difference between dating at 20 and dating at 40ish is that by now we’re all already damaged in some way. The twenty-somethings are pre-damaged. They haven’t lived enough yet to get all bruised and jaded, and they’re young enough to think they have plenty of time to find that fairytale. Me — not so much. I’m painfully aware that my clock is not just ticking, it’s on a full-fledged freakin’ suicide sprint towards being a lonely cat lady sitting on my front porch yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off my lawn.
And then the internet dating thing. Wow. I can’t even begin to understand it. It seems to work out great for some of my friends, but my very limited foray spawned enough crazy stories to fill up a book. Which is kinda funny, because if I think it’s book-worthy, you know it’s that bonkers.
- Give up on internet dating. CHECK
Meeting someone in real life the old fashioned way (like at a dive bar) isn’t a sure fire way to happiness either. Throw back in that whole we’re old and damaged thing, and lemme tell you…the heartache is even tougher to push aside. Sad thing is that some people are afraid to leave the comfy confines of the old wounds they’ve lived with for years. I supposed that’s one way of staying safe.
So despite the roadblocks, I keep on writing. Maybe that’s both my salvation and my downfall, because when I am immersed in telling a story I am filled with hope. In my brain I know that the characters & romance I create doesn’t exist, but I guess the little princess heart in me still wants to believe it might.
NEW TO DO LIST:
- let good things happen
- keep writing
- trust the journey
- enjoy the beauty in my life
Yes, a lot of time I feel jaded, but it comes and goes. I’ll make myself chuckle by posting something sarcastic. Sooner or later it catches up with me and the idealistic Beth returns full force, reminding me that I’m too damn stubborn to give up on my future.
Gone is the marriage and the material things that went with it.I’ve fallen in love again since then and been broken, but I have to believe that it wasn’t the end to my story. What remains is that I still have a loving family, it’s just a little bit smaller. I have a circle of great friends and an amazing life anyone would be lucky to have. I’ve turned into a different sort of woman, I think, one that has very little patience for wasting any more time in life. I’ve moved forward the best I could, sometimes stumbling like a fool through this being an independent woman thing. Someday, my prince will ask for directions and find his way here.
No, my life certainly didn’t turn out how I thought it would. The cool thing about life, though, is that my future is what I make of it — and I am going to patiently wait for it. In the meantime, I’m gonna keep living the good life and enjoying each day as it comes. I am okay with building happiness on my own, in my own skin. After all, the only one who can create my future…is me.
Thanks for reading. Sometimes I write books, too. If you’d like to be notified of my new releases, sign up for my mailing list at http://www.ebbrown.net/vip-list or follow me on my Amazon Author Page HERE.